GPS is so early 2000s

Taxi drivers... can't live with them, can't live without them. At least that's how it goes in NYC. I'm by no means a local to NYC, but this is the 5th or so time I've gone across the country to visit the Big Filthy Apple. On each occasion thus far, the taxi drivers from JFK airport have absolutely no idea where the final destination is, nor how to get there without asking for directions. This isn't just a sad commentary on the state of taxi drivers as much as it is just a comical affair. The discussion usually plays to the effect of "Conrad hotel in lower Manhattan? is that close to x, y, or z?" Seriously? I'm not looking for local hole in the wall restaurant. "It's right by the World Trade Center Memorial, where the cinema is. Opposite the World Financial Center."

20 mins later, we are still circling lower Manhattan... passenger bringing up the location on smartphone. guiding driver to the destination. Is it too much to ask for competent drivers or at least some sort of GPS system mounted on the taxi's dash? I won't even start on the horrendous driving skills and the complete lack of regard for the rules of the road. We need some new minimum standards.

Is this some sort of sick joke?

No ranting today, because today is a special day. It's a shame April Fools' Day only comes around once a year, just like every other day of the year, because it's the one day where people are united around the world in pulling off impractical dumb shit in the name of having fun... and that, we know, is a horrible thing to have. You know how it works, you pull off a seemingly dumb prank and soon find yourself surrounded by people who tell you you should stop wasting your time, stop being unproductive, etc. Well the joke's on them (I'm brilliant with bad puns). By and large, the planning, creativity and execution of even the most simple pranks often goes under appreciated. People fail to recognize the amount of improvisation needed to steer a failing plan into a successful one, and nerves of steel to follow through without breaking character or without letting on in the slightest way. The brightest people I know tend to be practitioners of this lost art...

To be honest, that's not really the reason April Fools' day is one of my favorite non-holiday holidays. For me, today is the one day out of the year, where all the unremarkable things I mess up on can be followed with "oh man... gotcha! April Fool's!"

Pop that 1,565.15 cherry already

Look here S&P 500, if you're going to keep teasing us about hitting new all time highs day in and day out, sooner or later everyone is going to figure out you're that bastard in Aesop's fable about the boy who cried wolf.

Will you please just hit that new high already so the masses can continue on with their mundane lives? If you watch MSNBC, you'll notice that the bottom left corner of the channel has a new tenant whose sole purpose is to inform viewers how far away we are from hitting the new high. It's completely distracting and honestly quite useless... and yet like deer in the headlights, I find myself utterly powerless to look away. Its constant updates continue to lure me into the belief that somehow getting past 1,565.15 will signal an end to the half decade economic crisis we find ourselves in.

I almost can't wait for the aftermath discussions... "will this rally continue?", "what does this mean for the economy?", "Does this signify a new economic reality?" MSNBC, you've been handed the topics. Please keep us entertained.

Guess who's back?

Well, after a 6 year hiatus (which translates loosely and yet quite accurately to "laziness"), I'm back. I mean, it's not like this blog is going to fill up with mindless drivel by itself and let's face it... you're reading this either because you're equally cynical about the world we live in, or you've got more time than you know what to do with (getting a job/exercising/getting away from the computer would be a decent starting point for those in the latter group).

I'm going to try to update this weekly with something I read or experienced during the week that, quite frankly, either surprises or annoys the hell out of me. Why? Because in the past 6 years, the emergence of microblogging has slowly but steadily eroded our collective will to write anything exceeding 140 characters. Thanks Twitter! Microblogging undoubtedly remains a useful medium for those blogging on the go and while I won't deny its intuitiveness and subsequent mass appeal, it is somewhat frightening ridiculously frightening how much "pointless babble" goes on in the microblog universe. Hey, if there's going to be pointless babbling going on, I'm going to do my part and ensure it gets the proper verbiage it deserves.

That said, let the blogging begin.

Sharing is Caring!

Sharing is Caring! Unless of course, we're talking about music and/or STDs. Not quite sure why this is considered news anymore. The capitalist pigs at the RIAA have been after university students illegally downloading music since 2000.

The only thing more pathetic than the RIAA's crackdowns are the responses that the students are giving. Responses such as "it's not like I downloaded millions of songs and sold them to people," or otherwise claims of ignorance do nothing but prove that not only were you a thief, but a particularly dumb one at that. Do the world a favor and throw yourself & computer out of the window...

If students would bother realizing that part of the reason user credentials are required to log onto university networks, is to track Internet usage, we wouldn't be having this discussion right now. Admittedly, usage tracking is becoming more difficult nowadays. We can thank BitTorrent and a paradigm shift towards streaming content for that.

Nonetheless, it is unfortunate that the relatively "innocent" users of peer-to-peer software end up getting reeled in by the authorities. Though I strongly discourage pirating of any kind, the fact is those who keep to the latest file sharing technology usually avoid getting caught. By the time mainstream "ignorant" users adopt a file-sharing technology, the authorities have already had enough time to develop a response to track and nab offenders.

Classic American political dialogue

Or, more accurately, hearing the same flawed, mundane rhetoric you've heard for years on end, except now its brought to the lovely University of Utah campus. Well now that the "war" has come to my motherland how can I not toss my two cents in this bipartisan cesspool of rampant ignorance? It's only a tenth of a ramen noodle. I can afford that.

Here's the video.

It was a showdown between the well-known conservative talk show host Sean Hannity and our beloved "part-time" mayor Rocky Anderson. Each were given 30 minutes of mental masturbation, followed by 15 or whatever minutes of a circle jerk between the two oh-so-charismatic gentlemen and the audience. I only wish I was there to scream out verses from the Book of Mormon. That might've completed the night a bit more tastefully. *spit*

Well I must say that Rocky did an awesome job with his 30 minute presentation. Somewhere in the midst of using the words "disastrous" and "complicit" for the thousandth time, I think he was trying to tell us that George Dubya Bush had been lying to us about WMDs and what-have-you-nuculer weapons in Iraq. Maybe Rocky forgot, but when a person truly believes the bullshit that's gratuituosly spewing out of his rectum, that's not called lying--it's called spewing bullshit out of the rectum. Gratuitously.

Ok but seriously, so there wasn't a link between Al Qaeda and Iraq, we didn't find any fabled nukuquclar weapons, and we certainly didn't go through the internationally accepted means of obtaining our goals (which is obviously their oil--Haliburton, you go girl!). But spending hundreds of billions of dollars that could be better invested in education (the Swedes are kicking our asses, by the way), health care, or, gosh, just general economic infrastructure and throwing our really really really real troops at the fray against mindless child suicide bombers is most definitely not sufficient reason to impeach Bush, right? I mean, Cowboy diplomacy worked at some point in our history. I think. Manifest destiny and the wiping out of Native Americans worked pretty well, right? Oh yes, high school history put to good use!

And wiretapping without warrant, detaining U.S. citizens without charges--oh come on! We've been doing that for years! The NSA was practically invented just to investigate your stash of gay porno on remote drive K: hidden under ten layers of folders. This is fact.

So Rocky ended his soapbox lecture with requisite stomach-turning pictures that prove that we're as bad as the Nazis. Disastrous! Complicit! Your esoteric verbiage does not faze me, Mr. Part-time Mayor!

Sean Hannity was brought on board with his wrongfully deserved wailing of boos and applause. His opening remark was a "healthy" personal attack to our part-time mayor; and, when the audience expressed their disapproval, Sean throws a hissy fit. Can't stand the heat Sean? Then get out of our collective sandbox!

When the best argument you have are ad hominem, you know you're in trouble. That's all Sean had on our part-time mayor. Well I should give Sean some credit. He occasionally took a break from personal attacks to spout out the familiar mantra "support our troops" and "Hilary Clinton is a bitch" (Hey! I actually agree with him on that!). Hmm Sean, I wasn't aware that forcing our troops to fight an unjustified war with zero leadership direction in a place that doesn't really want our presence is "supporting our troops." I would imagine that "supporting our troops" would mean taking our troops out of the hellhole and having them fight wars that make any remote sense or...and this is a stretch...letting them spend time with their families? Oh but there I go again, being all wishy-washy.

I suppose its a damn fine thing that Sean isn't president. He stated that if he were president for a day, he would do everything in his power to win the war in Iraq--spending all the resources necessary to get the job done. Funny, I thought that actions were supposed to be based on reality. Not surprising though, coming from a man whose arguments appeal to emotions and not logic, reason, or facts. Such arguments are well-received in academia!

"But if we pull out now then Iraq will go to hell in a handbasket!!!" No shit Sherlock. Maybe we should have thought about that first before diving headlong into a war of attrition, huh? I'll wager my 36 pack of ramen that Bush thinks that the most important chapter in Sun Tzu's Art of War is "how to smash towelhead mudhouses with laser-guided missiles." That would be an awesome read.

I'm not even so sure why I'm taking Sean so seriously. I mean, he certainly doesn't take himself seriously, as clearly evidenced by the fact that his phone rang in the middle of the presentation. Hey Sean, don't miss your opportunity to go golfing with your tax-evading country-club buddies! They'll miss you!

So in the end, Bush won't be impeached (being likened to Mao gave me a good chuckle). Sean Hannity will keep making money hand over fist. Part-time mayor Rocky Anderson will still be our city's adorable laughing stock. Bipartisan politics will continue to cockblock me from voting. And Iraq will still be a ...Disastrous! Complicit! And-so-it-came-to-pass!

I'mma bag me some bad guys

Got an email today from a friend who found some fairly interesting news.

It's no secret that the President of the University of Utah (Michael Young) has been trying to keep weapons off his campus since he took the reins a few years back. For the most part it has been a losing battle. The inhabitants of Utah have stuck to their guns, and for the time being, concealed weapons will make their way to the Utah campus.

No disrespect to those at Va. Tech (families of victims have my condolences), but shootings don't just happen on campus that often. Rather than putting a minuscule amount of effort into prevention, the happy go lucky gun-toting community would like us all to believe that concealed weapons are the answer. Sorry, I'm not the least bit convinced.

I understand though. If packing some heat will make some insecure people feel a little safer at the expense of everyone else around them, then hell, who's to stop them? In fact, I almost feel sorry for the contingency of people who seem to live in a state of perpetual fear. It must be horrible for Brent Tenney (pictured) to wake up every day and consciously realize that "hey, I might get shot up at school." Clearly such psychological pain can only be dulled with the thought of using his 9mm to wound/kill the assailant. Brent says that "it's not that I run around scared all day long, but if something happens to me, I do want to be prepared." Sure thing boy scout, you keep telling yourself that.

Maybe we shouldn't expect more especially when your state Senator (Michael Waddoups) tells you that "if government can't protect you, you should have the right to protect yourself." No senator, bad senator. The vigilante justice system is severely antiquated... welcome to the 21st century.

One last thing made for a good laugh, courtesy of Utah state representative Curt Oda:

"Oda said banning guns on campus might do more harm than good. He said people bent on violence might resort to other, perhaps bloodier methods, such as swords.

'A person that's got skill with a sword in a very big crowd could put a lot more people down with a sword than a gun,' he said. 'They're silent. You'll have people screaming, but nobody knows what's going on.'"

Mmmhmmm... it looks like somebody has been watching a little too much Star Wars.